Write, Wrote, Written

Since last year’s public service announcement seems to have fallen on deaf ears, I fear I must repeat my warning. Perhaps I can convey the message better using a different format:

EXT. NIGHT – A NICE SUBURBAN NEIGHBORHOOD

It’s Halloween in a nice suburban neighborhood. Little kids dressed up as ghosts, cowboys, witches, and the like are out with their parents trick-or-treating. Some groups of older kids are out, too, without parental supervision. CAITLIN and MADISON are both thirteen years old. Caitlin is dressed as Bella from the Twilight series. So is Madison. As they’re walking they see a group of devastatingly handsome boys without costumes. They are maybe a few years older than the girls are.

CAITLIN

Wow, look at those boys! They are devastatingly handsome.

MADISON

Yeah, they’re really cute.

CAITLIN

They have pale skin and supernaturally clear complexions for their age. I bet they’re vampires! Let’s go introduce ourselves. Wouldn’t it be awesome if we could fall in love with them to the point where we’re obsessed with them, and nothing else matters in our lives, not even our families?

MADISON

I don’t know, Caitlin. They could be dangerous.

CAITLIN

Oh, don’t be such a scaredy-cat. What’s the worst that could happen?

FEMALE VOICE (O.S.)

You could die.

Caitlin and Madison both look in the direction of the voice. It’s SCARLETT from G.I. Joe.

CAITLIN and MADISON

(together)

Scarlett!

SCARLETT

Your friend is right, Caitlin. They are dangerous.

CAITLIN

How do you know my name?

MADISON

I’m not really her friend.

SCARLETT

(ignoring them)

You should never approach a vampire unarmed. He’ll just suck all your blood, and that’s no fun.

CAITLIN

But they could be good vampires. You know, ones that don’t feed on people. Or they could at least be morally conflicted. And they’re devastatingly handsome. They’re probably also very charming in a self-loathing, brooding sort of way.

SCARLETT

(shaking her head)

That’s only in books and movies. Real vampires are always evil. There are no exceptions.

CAITLIN

You mean they don’t sparkle? And they won’t fall in love with me and stalk me in my sleep?

SCARLETT

No, I’m afraid not. Real vampires are incapable of love. If they say they love you, it’s just so they can get close enough to suck all your blood.

Scarlett is attacked by two of the vampires. She pulls wooden stakes from somewhere on her skintight catsuit and easily dispatches both of them. She then hands the stakes to the girls.

SCARLETT

Here, take these wooden stakes. It never hurts to be prepared.

Caitlin and Madison each take a stake.

MADISON

Gee, thanks, Scarlett

CAITLIN

Yeah, thanks. Now we know.

SCARLETT

And knowing is half the battle.

FIN